News Bulletin

New Orleans, LA-(appropiated press) It has been confirmed that no members of the Bush family have died in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina. It is also widely reported that the Cheney family is safe in Wyoming. The family of Condoleeza Rice narrowly escaped disaster when the limousine driving them to the airport before Katrina hit was sideswiped by a Volvo. No injuries resulted, though a cousin of Ms. Rice reportedly wet her panties.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld's family likewise suffered no casualties, although a nephew was briefly detained and released on bail after allegedly attempting to loot a Dunkin's Donuts in Altoona. His case is pending.