Bush Loses
Despite recent efforts to appear honest, Resident George W. (GeorgeIII) Bush failed to win Time Magazine's Person of the Year award. According to unofficial sources, Mr. Bush finished 4,322,742,312th, well ahead of several other candidates. Those other candidates did not include Reba McIntire and Manny the Flasher.
White House sources denied that the Resident appeared on daytime television Monday in retaliation for not winning.
"His appearance before the media had nothing to do with anything," a White House aide admitted to his bartender, a correspondent to Girls Gone Suddenly Naked online. "The closer we get to Christmas," the source avowed, "the more the nog."
A separate anonymous source at a day care center near the White House confirmed that Laura Bush, the Resident's familiar, flew to Crawford, Texas, where she ordered Secret Service agents to confiscate all available alcoholic beverages.
Mr. Bush, in the meantime, reportedly confiscated several trucks transporting Jim Beam in the D.C. area and settled into the Oval Office to celebrate Kwanzaa and plan the coming invasion of Iran.
"Where it is going to be most difficult to make the case is in the public arena," Bush said. "People will say, if we're trying to make the case on Iran, 'Well, if the intelligence failed in Iraq, therefore, how can we trust the intelligence on Iran?'"
Well into his second gallon of nog, the Resident issued his annual half-hearted attempt to win black votes:
White House sources denied that the Resident appeared on daytime television Monday in retaliation for not winning.
"His appearance before the media had nothing to do with anything," a White House aide admitted to his bartender, a correspondent to Girls Gone Suddenly Naked online. "The closer we get to Christmas," the source avowed, "the more the nog."
A separate anonymous source at a day care center near the White House confirmed that Laura Bush, the Resident's familiar, flew to Crawford, Texas, where she ordered Secret Service agents to confiscate all available alcoholic beverages.
Mr. Bush, in the meantime, reportedly confiscated several trucks transporting Jim Beam in the D.C. area and settled into the Oval Office to celebrate Kwanzaa and plan the coming invasion of Iran.
"Where it is going to be most difficult to make the case is in the public arena," Bush said. "People will say, if we're trying to make the case on Iran, 'Well, if the intelligence failed in Iraq, therefore, how can we trust the intelligence on Iran?'"
Well into his second gallon of nog, the Resident issued his annual half-hearted attempt to win black votes:
I send greetings to those observing Kwanzaa.
African Americans and people around the world reflect on African heritage during Kwanzaa. The seven days of this celebration emphasize the seven principles of Nguzo Saba - unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith. These values contribute to a culture of citizenship and compassion, and Kwanzaa activities help pass on African values and traditions to future generations.
As families and friends gather for Kwanzaa, Americans remember the many contributions African Americans have made to our country's character and celebrate the diversity that makes our Nation strong. May your commitment to family, faith, and community thrive during this holiday season and throughout the coming year.
Laura and I send our best wishes for a happy Kwanzaa.
GEORGE W. BUSH
posted by Bear at 10:56 PM
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